Music is my life.
It is who I am.
Times are difficult for everyone. I don't ever remember a time when things were nearly as bad as they are right now.
So many homeless people in the streets, on the corners - all begging for a little relief from their impoverished lives. Have you ever stopped to wonder how many of those people used to have productive, meaningful lives? Maybe they had a good job that paid them well. Maybe they went to college and have a degree. Maybe they had a home, a car, a family and a good life.
Then one day, they lost their job and couldn't pay the mortgage. They lost their home, their car got repossessed and the family was torn apart. Maybe they became addicted to drugs and/or alcohol and couldn't climb out of their despair. Maybe they have mental health issues and couldn't find adequate help. You just never know what someone has been through in their life to bring them to their lowest depths.
Some people are able to bounce back and put their lives slowly back on track. This has been my path for the past five years. I had a good job that paid well. I had a nice apartment in a nice area. It was my home for seventeen years. Things were finally looking "up" for me. I was paying all of my bills on time, I always had food in my cupboards and refrigerator. I had worked all of my life to create a nice, comfortable home. It was my sanctuary.
Then one day - it all vanished.
Five years ago this month, I survived the health scare of my life. I ended up in the hospital for two weeks after suffering a stroke, a heart attack and a seizure, all at the same time. I was released from the hospital and subsequently moved to Wisconsin to stay with family. All I had was what could be brought up in a pick up truck. 75% of everything I owned was left in my apartment and eventually removed forever. Luckily, within a few months, I was able to regain most of my strength and eventually my mental acumen.
I had to start all over again from nothing. I got a job, and in four months, I made the money I would need to move back to Florida so I could get back my former job. I moved back to Florida in January 2020, into a shoe box of an apartment in the high crime area of Orlando. It was the only place I could find. I went back to work and started to get my life back on track. Within a few weeks of being back to work, it became abundantly clear that my health was becoming a significant issue. I was in excruciating pain every day and every night. I went home from work several times because I was sick and couldn't move. The pain was too much for me. Ultimately, I had to leave that job a year and a half later because I simply couldn't do my job.
Having navigated as many of the obstacles in my path as I could humanly do, some of these obstacles were completely out of my control. Once the covid insanity subsided, everything became incredibly expensive. When I went to renew my lease for my apartment, the rent went up $250.00. I have been living in apartments since 1984, and I have never seen a rate increase of that magnitude. Then to add salt to the gaping wound, my car insurance doubled, utilities doubles, grocery prices doubled. I found myself unable to pay my bills. I could no longer afford the cost of living as a single white male in a shoe box apartment.
I have health issues as a result of my stroke and hypertension. Those are things I can regulate with medication. The unfortunate reality is that all of those medications have side effects that have kept me from working a weekly job like most people. I had to face this reality and try to figure out a way to make some sort of living. The only answer I had was to go back to teaching.
I have been a guitar instructor (on and off) for 28 years. This is who I am. Music is what I am. It is something I am good at doing. I make a positive difference in the lives of my students. I love teaching, and I have never once thought of it as a job. My students pay me to come to their houses and show them how to play and practice their guitars. I have students who are as young as 13 years of age and as old as their late 70's. I normally drive to two or three houses each day. Sometimes I go to four houses. Sometimes I only go to one. I love having my time for me. I schedule my own hours. I never work a full eight hour day. I have to keep shorter days because of my health. As a result of all of this, I am no longer in any pain…and that is a very good thing!
I recently tried to get a job teaching lessons at two different music stores, only to have it come to a dead end on both efforts. I was quite disappointed. I have recently lowered my rates in hopes of drawing more prospective new students. So far, nothing has happened.
I don't have it in me to give up or give in. However, I do know what my limits are now. I am nearly 61 years old, and I simply cannot work laborious jobs anymore. My brain still works, but my body struggles to get through every day without pain.Â
When I got my old job back after returning to Orlando in 2020, it was the first time I ever felt real fear. I wasn't even a year into healing when I realized just how fragile my health truly is. I feared that something bad could happen to me at any time. I feared ending up back in the hospital and having another stroke or heart attack - or worse. I just couldn't see myself continuing down a path that could kill me - and for what? A job?
Unless and until you have ever had a life altering experience - like cheating death, and you live to tell about it, you're not going to know what it is like to be someone like me. We all have fears, but mine come from a place that has changed who I am, forever. I wish that day never happened five years ago. I wish I had my old life. I wish that I knew a better way to live, than to constantly live in poverty as a music teacher. I have to do the best with what I’ve got. What I’ve got is the ability to teach music.
Music is the air that I breathe. It is all that I know. Without it, I will surely die.